Sunday, October 25, 2009

Papadom The Movie & Article - The Irreplaceable Void

I watched Papadom last week and coincidently on the next day I received the following article from a friend through the email. It touched my heart, both the movie and the article. Although they are not exactly the same, but the line of story is pretty similar; what will happen when God loves Mummy more and take her away.

4 years ago, an accident took my beloved away and very often I wonder, how does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm, feel right now? She must be feeling extremely sad for leaving a husband who is incapable to taking care of the house and the kid, because that is the exact feeling that I have, as I feel that I have failed to provide for the physical and emotional needs of my child, and failed to be the dad and mum for my child.

There was one particular day, when I had an emergency at work. Hence, I had to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinking that there was still rice left overs, I hastily cooked an egg and left after informing my sleepy child. With the double roles, I am often exhausted at work as well as when I am home. So after a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy. So with just a brief hug and kiss for my child, I went straight into the room, skipping dinner. However, when I jumped into my bed with intention of just having a well-deserved sleep, all I heard and felt was broken porcelain and warm liquid! I flipped open my blanket, and there lies the source of the 'problem'... a broken bowl with instant noodles and a mess on the bedsheet and blanket! Boy, was I mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, charged straight at my child who was happily playing with his toy, and give him a good spanking! He merely cried but not asking for mercy, except a short explanation :

"Dad, I was hungry and there wasn't anymore left over rice. But you were not back yet, hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But I remembered you reminding me not to touch or use the gas stove without any adults around, hence I turned on the shower and used the hot water from the bathroom to cook the noodles. One is for you and the other is for me. However, I was afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it under the blanket to keep it warm till you return. But I forgot to remind you because I was playing with my toys...I am sorry Dad... "

At that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks...but I didn't want my son to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroom and cried with the shower head on to mask my cries. After that episode, I went towards my son to give him a tight hug and applied medication on him, while coaxing him to sleep. Then, it was time to clear up the mess on the bed. When everything was done and well past midnight, I passed my son's room, and saw that he was still crying, not from the pain on his little buttock, but from looking at the photograph of his beloved mummy.

A year has passed since the episode, I have tried, in this period, to focus on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to most of his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will be graduating from kindergarten. Fortunately, the incident did not leave a lasting impression on his childhood memories and he is still happily growing up.

However, not so long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regret. This time, his kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son's absence from school. I took off early from work and went home, expecting him to explain. But he wasn't to be found, so I went around our house, calling out his name and eventually found him outside a stationery shop, happily playing computer games. I was fuming, brought him home and whack the hell out of him. He did not retaliate, except to say, "I am sorry, Dad." But after much probing, I realized that it was a 'Talent Show' organized by his school and the invite is for every student's mummy. And that was the reason for his absence as he has no mummy.....Few days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, the kindergarten has recently taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept to himself and stayed in his room to practise his writing, which I am sure, would make my wife proud, if she was still around. Because he makes me proud too!

Time passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. It's winter,and it's Christmas time. Everywhere the Christmas spirit is in every passer-by... Christmas carols and frantic shoppers.... but alas, my son got into another trouble. When I was about to knock off from the day's work, the post office called. Due to the peak season, the post master was also on an edgy mood. He called to tell me that my son has attempted to post several letters with no addressee. Although I did make a promise never to hit my son again, I couldn't help but to hit him as I feel that this child of mine is really beyond control. Once again, as before, he apologized, "I'm sorry, Dad" and no additional reason to explain. I pushed him towards a corner, went to the post office to collect the letters with no addressee and came home, and angrily questioned my son on his prank, during this time of the year. His answer, amidst his sobbing, was, "The letters were for Mummy." My eyes grew teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to ask him:

"But why did you post so many letters, at one time?"

My son's reply was, " I have been writing to mummy for a long time, but each time I reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence I was not able to post the letters. But recently, when I went back to the postbox, I could reach it and I sent it all at once..."

After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, what to say....I told my son,

"Son, mummy is in the heavenly kingdom, so in future, if you have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach mummy."

My son, on hearing this, was much pacified and calm, and soon after, he was sleeping soundly. On promising that I will burn the letters on his behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldn't help opening the letter before they turn to ash. And one of the letters broke my heart....

Dear Mummy, I miss you so much! Today, there was a 'Talent Show' in school, and the school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so I did not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about it as I was afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all over again. Dad went around looking for me, but in order to hide my sadness, I sat in front of the computer and started playing games at one of the shops. Dad was furious, and he couldn't help it but scolded and hit me, but I did not tell him the real reason.

Mummy, every day I see Dad missing you and whenever he thinks of you, he is so sad and often hides and cries in his room. I think we both miss you very very much. Too much for our own good I think. But Mummy, I am starting to forget your face. Can you please appear in my dreams so that I can see your face and remember you? I heard that if you fall asleep with the photograph of the person whom you miss, you will see the person in your dreams. But mummy, why haven't you appear? After reading the letter, I can't stop sobbing because I can never replace the irreplaceable gap left behind by my wife....

Have a good week ahead and do treasure your loved ones.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Cry In Sleep

I woke up, startled and crying. I was sobbing and sobbing non stop as if something sad or bad have happened. It was such an intense cry. I just could not stop sobbing. It took me a while to pull myself together. As I sat on the bed, I saw the pillow wet with my tears.

“Shah, look,” whilst waking beloved husband up, “See, I was crying! Maybe I had a bad dream. But I don’t know what it was. Tried recalling but I just can’t remember!”

“ No lah! Nothing happened. It was just a dream. Go back to sleep” beloved husband muttered pacifying and hugging me back to sleep.

Maybe I was dreaming, but what could it be ye? I am not stressed. I am neither sad nor disappointed. It must have been a long dream and a long cry because the pillow was really soaked!

I looked at the clock, it was 4.30 am.

When I woke up in the morning, I still felt sad, but more curious as to why I was crying.

When I tried to find the explanation in Q&A sites in the internet, the only close explanation which I got was this.

Answer 1 :

I think it happens when they are really sad. It probably only happens to people when there is a lot of sad stuff going on in their life. Maybe it's also because they have bad dreams which makes them sad and causes them to cry whether in their sleep or right when they wake up.

Well, that is natural, isn’t it? Maybe I am in the state of self denial that is I am sad over something but I just don’t want to admit it. Eh… tak lah. Biasa biasa je…

Answer 2 :

The human mind is always at work, and you dream at ever second throughout the night, though a large portion of your dreams instantly disappears. The dreams you do remember are about 10% clear when you first wake up and 10 minutes later are almost entirely gone. What remains can be very powerful and influential in your actions in life. Point is, they probably dreamt about something depressing, and forgot it when they woke up.

If my mind was working then, what could I be thinking eh? Apasal tak ingat... because it is powerful and influential lah, I keep thinking about it!

Arrrggghhh... all these are not going to help. Cry in sleep ke, dream which obviously I can’t recall ke, I think I am happy with the current state of affairs. Kerja memang lah bertimbun timbun mounting, but I can’t be crying or dreaming over them unnecessarily.

Maybe, I need to continue to jog or briskwalk soon (it halted because of puasa 6 and open houses) so that my mind can stop working at night.

Now, where are my jogging shoes?!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Dilemma or Just Bad?

I think I am such a good girl. Because I am such a good girl lah, people take advantage over me. Huh!

Yesterday, we had an office raya open house. The bosses were there of course, besides us the mere mortals. The gathering was not solely for the purpose of raya celebration, it was also some other things akin to a communication session on the mid year performance.

Yours truly was entrusted to present her group's progress updates. It was no big thing, the challenge was to attract the interest of the audience on an admittedly dry subject. I got one of the lawyers from the Y gen to do the interactive shows and she did an excellent job.

After my presentation and the other rights and rituals of a typical function, I saw one of the bosses walking towards me. From far, I could see him smiling from ear to ear. It is very rare that this particular boss would approach me. Most times it would be him summoning me. In fact my initial thots were he was not approaching me, I je yang perasan. Even if he was going to approach me, in all likelihood, it was to congratulate me on the presentation.

To my utter shock, it was nothing of that kind.

"Yati, I would like to ask you something. As a matter of fact H wanted me to ask you."

H was one of the bosses in the ballroom too.

Sounds pelik right? All sorts of imagination came running and flashing in my mind, like "oh oh, am I in a lot of trouble here?"

And the shocking question popped.

"Is it true that M has a second wife?" he asked!

To clarify, M is also another boss whom I currently work closely with. M didn't attend the raya do.

To put things in perspective too, most of my friends know that M has two wives. He married a second one a couple of years back. Tak tahu kenapa, offlate ni there were many parties who seemed to be interested to find out about this. Nonetheless, I guess it was a public info.

But how do I react to this question?

I was dumbfounded, nak cakap apa ni?

This is the bosses asking ok. Should I lie, or tell the truth? I am the worst actor when it comes to lying.

So I neither said yes nor no. In the alternative, my answer was an explanation.

"Well, he married the second one some years back, even before I worked with him."

Then he replied, " I just need to be sensitive to this, who knows I may bump into her."

After I let the cat out of the bag, I felt bad. I felt that I have violated M. Chissss!

Benci, benci benci tau bosses yang busy body macam ni.

I got to know about M's second marriage by default. Someone blurted to me thinking that I have already known about it. I didn't launch a search team to hunt for the info, unlike this scenario here.

It didn't stop at that!

Whilst I was helping myself at the buffet line for the rojak afterwards, another boss retorted,
"Did you also arrange his meetings with her?"

Bl**d**el*! Toot toot!

I know I am the company secretary and one of my KRAs is for to ensure the bosses have smooth and uninterrupted (board) meetings. But this one is just below the belt.

I just smirked at him, "Obviously that is not my KPI!" and left.

Huh! Tak pasal pasal je, I jadi stress! Naturally I felt sorry for M. What if he knows that it was me??? Albeit it could be a public info to some. Now I feel bad. Bad, bad girl. Hence I have to retract my very initial statement in the first paragraph up there! : (

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Good Luck Ayna

So many books have been studied. So much tuition has been attended. So much motivation programs have been participated. Finally the PMR exams have arrived.

Tomorrow my 2nd Ace Ayna will sit for her PMR exams.

If I am having butterflies in my stomach, I am not sure how the jitters are like for Ayna. I know her hands and feet were as cold as ice the last time I saw her a few minutes ago. One thing for sure, I also know she has given her utmost in wanting to be the best and wanting to achieve the excellence.

I remember vividly the late nights when I was awakened by noises in the living room and found Ayna still awake, burning the midnight oil mugging her piles of text books, albeit some other time she may be sms-ing her friends or on the YM or watching Liverpool play. Nonetheless, I am confident that Ayna will give her best shot and will not disappoint herself, her teachers and her parents.

To Ayna, our very best wishes to you. May Allah guide you in answering the questions, show and reflect you the correct answers and accord you fresh ideas how to compose the essays. Place the “special advance gift” which you had earned as a motivation to be the greatest.

Take great care of yourself during this period in order to remain healthy and ceria. (Don't be like Mama who ended up taking her SRP in the sick bay because of her inquisitive mind of how "koptehlo" (coffee + tea + milo) shake would taste like).

We love you and we doa' for you, Ayna, always remember that.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Alim's Loss Could Be Someone's Gain

Ramadhan came, Ramadhan went. Then it was and still is the joyous raya celebration. Today is already the 14th of Syawal.

I have been busy with work. I was in Kota Kinabalu last week and I will be travelling to Kuantan for work tomorrow.

Like they say, Ramadhan and Syawal are good months for one to muhasabah diri/self realization. Need I elaborate?

A special example of muhasabah diri.

My 4th Ace, Alina followed me on most of the Ramadhan nights performing terawih prayers. It is not a surprise that she fast the whole 30 days of Ramadhan. She never complained of hunger, thirst or tiredness and in fact during sahur, surprisingly, it was not difficult at all to wake her up. Alhamdulillah.

I noticed that a couple of days in the early Syawal i.e before school started, she has been diligent in performing her prayers, doing her homework and completing her Kumon worksheets. My thoughts were it must have been the Ramadhan realization which has gotten into her or the victory of Syawal. Perhaps too the motivation stemmed from the collection of duit raya.

I had this conversation with Alina and Alim.

Alina : (said gleefully) Mama, Alina dah solat Maghrib and Isyak malam ni. Then I have cleaned up the mess in my locker. I also have completed all my 12 Kumon work sheets leaving only one more. I am now doing my homework.

Moi: Good girl Alina, oh yes… that is the neatest locker I have ever seen (opening the door of her locker). Keep it up!

Alim: Mama, why is Kak Lin acting different tonight? Why is she being a good girl? I don’t like her. I want to see the Kak Lin before!

Moi : Kak Lin has grown up, Alim and she will continue to be good, right Kak Lin? You should also follow her footsteps.

Alim : No! I don’t like her! (trying to punch Kak Lin, in so much geram and frustration)

That’s it! Someone doesn’t like Kak Lin’s transformation.

Poor Alim. Apparently, he has lost a "partner-in-crime".

To Alina, I hope this new you continues.
Whatever it is Alim, Mama loves you the same.